Sam's 'Girl Cousin from Michigan'
by KensiBlonde
Summary: In Season 4's "Cliffie's Big Score" Cliff asks both Diane and Carla to the Postman's Ball. Realizing he has to get rid of one of them, he asks Sam for a lie. Sam tells him to tell Diane that his "girl cousin from Michigan" is in town and he has to take her. He then says "Wait, she's already heard that one." Here's the story behind Sam's "girl cousin from Michigan." A little M rated


_My girl cousin from Michigan._

It was still early in their relationship but so far Sam had given Diane no reason not to trust him.

She was painfully aware of Sam's checkered past with women, but she firmly believed that was because he just hadn't met the right woman - and now that he _had_ all of that unscrupulous behavior would just magically disappear.

 _He would be in to the bar late. His girl cousin from Michigan was in town. He had to show her around._

But something about "girl cousin from Michigan" tugged uneasily at the back of Diane's mind. It sounded like something a high school student would say.

She could not accept the idea that Sam would cheat on her. After all, their sex life was phenomenal. In fact, they'd had sex no less than three times that morning. Where would he get the energy to cheat? Why would he feel any need to?

Diane was laboring under the assumption that men cheated because they were unhappy in their relationship. And Sam _was_ happy, she was sure of that. Did not the sparkle in his eyes and the spring in his step assure her of this?

Still… when she got into Cheers that afternoon, Sam's absence lodged in her throat like a small stone.

At first, she was able to distract herself with an unexpectedly busy Happy Hour - two parties of over ten had come in - but when it started to slow down, and Sam still wasn't back, her heart began to thud thickly, and she felt the hairs prickle on the back of her neck.

Her gut instinct was tapping on her heart - trying to tell her something she didn't want to hear.

She finally sidled up to Coach.

"Coach, do you know a cousin of Sam's from Michigan? A female cousin?"

"You mean Linda?" Coach asked.

An intense wave of relief washed over Diane - it was so acute she nearly sighed out loud.

"So he has a cousin named Linda? And she's from Michigan?"

"Oh wait," Coach said. "I think she's from Minneapolis."

Ugh, dear Coach and his borderline dementia - she'd never get a straight answer out of him.

"So there's no cousin from Michigan? I'm sure he said Michigan."

"Hold on a second," said Coach, scrunching up his sweet face. " _I_ have a cousin Linda from Michigan - or is it Minneapolis?"

Diane's innards turned cold.

"Okay, Coach, thank you."

Her heart began to pound in earnest this time. Suddenly, she couldn't stand the idea of serving anyone drinks. She just wanted to hide in a corner, curl up, and shut down.

"Hey all!"

Diane's head whipped around involuntarily at the sound of that familiar voice - the voice she had come to love above all others.

Sam! He was back!

She felt like running to him and throwing her arms around him, but she didn't. Instead, she studiously watched his demeanor. Did he seem unusually peppy?

Sam made a beeline for her.

"Hey, babe," he said and kissed her. Then he quickly slid away from her behind the bar.

 _Let it go, let it go, let it go..._

But she couldn't.

"Sam, can I see you in your office?"

"Sure, sweetheart," he said, coming back and throwing his arm around her shoulders. "Missed your Sammykins, did ya? Coach, hold things down. I'll be back in a few."

They headed into his office. The instant the door closed, Sam pressed Diane up against it and began kissing her. But her lips wouldn't cooperate. She turned her head to the side.

"Something wrong, sweetheart?"

Diane made a concerted effort to keep her voice calm and steady.

"Sam, where were you today?"

"I told you, Andrea and I - that's my cousin - went to see some of the sights. The harbor, Faneuil Hall, the Common … that sort of thing, you know … then I put her in a cab to the airport."

"Was there a reason I couldn't meet her?"

"I thought you had a class."

"But I told you I would have cancelled," she said, with strained patience.

"I don't know, I just thought you wouldn't want to do all of that touristy stuff. Heck, I didn't even want to do it."

" _Really_ ," Diane said, a sharp edge tinging her voice.

It didn't take long for Sam to pick up on it.

"You want to tell me what's on your mind?"

"Coach said you don't have a girl cousin from Michigan."

Sam's chiseled face went completely blank. For a few moments, he said nothing. It was right then that she knew he was lying. He was such a bad liar - especially for someone who'd had so much practice.

"So you just HAD to check up on me, eh? Diane, I don't know how we're going to have a relationship if you don't trust me…"

"And why would I trust you?" she fumed, all pretense of calm vanishing. "You've done nothing to EARN that trust!"

Sam began to pace around the office. He looked like a wild animal caught in a trap.

"All right, look, here's the truth… she's a friend of mine… nothing more. I figured you'd go all ape if I said that."

"No, Sam, I go ape when you LIE."

"Oh, and you would have let me show a friend around town? A female friend? Come on!"

"Was this a female friend you've had sex with in the past?"

Sam was silent. Then she knew.

"Sam… did you have sex with this woman?" She felt herself start to tremble.

"When?"

God, how she hated it when he played stupid.

"Today… last week…. any time!"

"No! I mean… way back. Years ago. So long ago I don't even remember if it was good or not!"

Diane couldn't even believe he'd just said that. She felt her teeth clench.

"She lives in Spain," he finished, almost whining.

"So she doesn't live in Michigan? You even had to lie about _that_?!"

"She used to live there… I think. She's a stewardess… moves around a lot. She was just in town for the day, and wanted someone to show her the sights."

He dragged himself to the couch and collapsed on it. He closed his eyes and exhaled heavily.

Diane stood rigid as if paralyzed. When she spoke it was as if the devil himself was inside of her - she barely recognized her own voice.

"And what _sights_ did you show her - besides the ones in guide books? Or is Sam Malone IN a guide book?"

"Diane, nothing happened. I didn't cheat on you."

"Yes, Sam, you _did_. Even if you didn't have sex with her, you lied, and that's cheating."

Sam leaped to his feet and began jabbing the air with his finger.

"Oh, give me a break, Miss Morality! The only reason I knew you had a cozy little dinner planned with your ex-fiance is because I happened to be standing right there when he came back in the office to change the night! You did the same damn thing!"

"Stop throwing Sumner in my face! You know very well I thought his wife would be there."

"Oh _right_. Because Sumner never lies, does he?"

"I can't _believe_ you did this…"

Diane began to mindlessly yank at her sweater. She wanted to hit him so badly.

Sam grabbed his head and for a moment she thought he might cry.

"Diane… I… I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I'm not used to being in a relationship. I guess I don't know what I'm doing."

"Oh, I think you know…. you know very well! Sam Malone, what is it you want here? Do you want to be single? Do you want to date other women? Then why not just do that?"

Her voice was rising and she imagined that the people in the bar could hear them now. They were probably rolling their eyes at each other - Sam and Diane in yet another fight. But she didn't care.

"Wait, let me guess. You want it both ways. You want the sex, the companionship, the connection… _and_ you want to get your jollies off elsewhere if the urge hits."

"Diane…" he moved toward her slowly, as if weights were attached to his feet.

Diane's body was so tense, he stopped before he reached her, worried that if he touched her, she would slam him with her fists. He knew that inflamed look in her eyes - the one that said, "War - we are at _war_."

"Andrea is just a pal. Not even a pal. We hooked up a few times when I was traveling with the Sox… and then I got a call from her telling me someone had backed out on taking her around town and asking me to do it… I don't know… I just went."

"So you risked your relationship for someone you don't even know that well."

"I guess… I know that sounds crazy. Maybe there's something wrong with me."

"That's the single most astute thing I've ever heard you say."

She turned and quickly walked out of the room. She didn't know what she'd do to him if she stayed. Her hands were shaking so badly she had trouble turning the doorknob.

The two did not speak for the rest of the evening, and Diane left early, not even bothering to ask permission.

She went home and crawled into bed. She cried for a good long time. What was she doing in this thing? She could never trust this man. God, how she hated him.

Around two in the morning, she heard a knock on the door. Knowing it would be Sam, she opened the door and without saying a word she staggered to the couch and flopped down.

Sam walked over and stood above her for a moment. Then he suddenly dropped to his knees in front of her.

"Diane, punish me in whatever way you want. I deserve it. I shouldn't have done that."

"I have no desire to punish you," she said, listlessly, drained from crying. "I have no desire to speak to you or even look at your big, fat, flabby, ugly, lying face."

"Well, which is it?" he tried to joke, hoping desperately to lighten her up. "Fat or flabby?"

"It's both. I don't know why I let you in except I knew you'd pound on the door and wake up my neighbors. I'm sure they're sick of hearing our fighting. _Everyone_ is sick of hearing our fighting - me most of all."

"Can I touch you?"

"No."

"Can I take your hand?"

Diane said nothing, so he took her hands in his and stared at her. She'd never seen such a pleading expression on his face before.

"Diane, you are the one I want to be with. I wouldn't be here otherwise. I'm terrible at relationships. You probably already know that. I've only had one before you - my marriage - and I screwed it up so badly I vowed to never get into another one."

"Is this supposed to make me feel sorry for you?"

"No, I'm just trying to be honest with you."

He stood up and sank down on the couch and pulled her stiff body next to his. He smoothed the straggles of hair back from her face.

"You've been crying."

"Yes, Sam, that's what human beings do when they're hurt. You probably aren't aware of that."

Sam sighed and they remained silent for a good long while. When he finally spoke, his normally velvet voice was almost ragged.

"Sometimes I just feel the urge to sabotage this… it's like I'm…"

He stopped short. He couldn't say it.

"You're what, Sam?"

"I'm … _terrified_ ," he said, with a laugh that sounded like more like a choke.

"Well, I'm scared too, but this kind of thing doesn't do much to ease my fears."

"I know."

His hand moved down to her neck and he began massaging her. Diane knew he was going to try and distract her with seduction. She also knew that her body would betray her by responding to him - it already was.

He cupped his hand under her chin and tilted her face up to his. He kissed her softly. She felt her erogenous zones grow warm and pulsating. Damn him. Why was she so attracted to him?

"Sam," she whispered, "this kind of thing can't happen again."

"It won't. I swear it won't."

She allowed his tongue into her mouth and, against her better judgment, began to meet his soft, silky probings with her own. Soon, he was pushing her back on the couch and his long, lean fingers were toying with the top of her panties. He slid his hand smoothly down between her legs.

She felt herself grow instantly wet and all bets were off. Within moments, they were breathing heavily into each other's mouths and Diane's mind switched off.

Deep in her heart, she knew it would happen again.


End file.
